7 Things I Love About Call Centres

Call centres; rabble rabble rabble.

Those nebulous places with plenty of phone lines, situated on an industrial estate of an inconsequential town with a name like Stockport. I think that’s an actual place. Yes, there definitely is a place with that name. In England somewhere. Who cares. If you are from Stockport then I am sorry, but not really. Why the hell are you even reading this if you are from Stockport, anyway?

I guess you don’t need to be from a particular place to get Geographically offended. Or read a blog. I assume most Medium consumers live in America somewhere. I shouldn’t assume. I am sorry. Properly. To everybody, places far and wide.

Thanks for reading this far.

As a customer, call centres exist to help us to get what we want, expect and are damn well entitled to. We should try to understand these faraway magical places, to facilitate getting what we want quicker so we can all have more of a good time.

Naturally, it is a bane to have to explain things to a stranger who we’ll never speak to again to get what we want or paid for. Anywhere else we should not have to endure this indignity. But unlike the grocery store, bank or emergency room, call centres are an indispensable cog in the expansive machine of modern life. Without them, society would literally fall apart in a matter of hours — so, we all have to endure them at some point.

Here’s an arbitrary number of wisdom tips about how to cope with their reliably annoying existence;

• Most of the people in call centres are in their twenties, at least moderately attractive and super friendly. This goes nicely with their rich hot chocolatey voices. Therefore, you should be more agreeable to them and score more highly on feedback afterwards.
• Waiting in the call queue is an excellent opportunity to practise ‘Mindfulness’. Probably, the best time ever to meditate or do some holotropic breathwork. The higher the number is, the more reps you can get in. Smash it.
• If someone asks if they mind if they put you on hold, say something like this; “No problem, I’m not in a rush, so I don’t mind holding”. Nearly every time the person is putting you on hold, they’re doing so to assist finding your solution in the way they know how. Or put another way, remove you from their lives. Rushing things is only going to get in the way of that and drag things out. If you are pressed for time, then it is okay to politely let them know, or alternatively, you can call back later (see point 2).
• Call takers talk to a lot of different people, from many walks of life. It’s a random lottery who comes through on the telephony lines; what they want and what they’re bringing. A lot of the time the people won’t be at their best. That can be tough, emotionally taxing work for the humble call taker. State clearly what you want and help them help you. Be good with the plebs, and they shall be good unto you.
• Unlike other work environments, call centres are treasure troves of healthy snackery. Vending machines are stocked with low-fat treats, and reasonably priced charity boxes entice us with nuts and goji berries. The charity box of o̵v̵e̵r̵p̵r̵i̵c̵e̵d̵ ̵s̵u̵g̵a̵r̵y̵ ̵g̵o̵o̵d̵n̵e̵s̵s̵ healthy nik-naks gets premium office desk space in the centre of the room. Even though it only ever holds about 20 items. And even though the guy only comes every two months to refill it.
• Having to interact with a random person over the phone who you’ll never speak to again is an excellent opportunity to practise something called emotional intelligence. ‘EI’ is about ‘feelings’ — making sure not to be a dick when over stressed or hungry, for example. Being emotionally smart will not win you any medals, but it will lessen the chances of people not liking you unnecessarily, which is generally a good idea.
• If something doesn’t meet your expectations, then there really is no harm in exercising your rights as a customer and asking to speak to a senior member of staff. 19/20 this will do nothing of real value because nobody can magically pull resources out of thin air, but that’s not the point.
• As a customer, have yourself some harmless fun by trying to find the shortest possible route to your solution. For example; when faced with the dilemma of pressing a number on your keypad, press the option that sounds like it will have the shortest waiting time. And then just get whoever picks up to sort your shit out — be sure to give them all the information, including your city of birth, blood type and inner leg measurement. Another way is to acquire ex-directory/backdoor numbers. Whoever picks up probably won’t care who it is and why your call is coming in on that line. If asked where you got the number, just say your colleague or friend passed it to you. If they ask to speak to them, then obviously they’re busy right now. If they make a real fuss then that’s what the ‘end call’ button is for. No dramas.
• If someone exhales something other than they’re regular breathing down the receiver they can ’01 do one’, as we like to say in Stockport. If it’s for medical reasons, that’s fine. But, if it’s a cigarette, crack, a trendy vape stick or exaggerated sighing — just fuck off.
• One day call centres will be replaced by A.I. The growth rate of AI is such that we won’t be saying ‘in my day we had to talk to Javid from Hull on Sea to get our claims reference numbers’ to our grandchildren. This is happening right now — We’re going to be saying that shit to our younger siblings, nieces and nephews. Sometime in the year after next, probably.